Perfectionism and Letting It Go: What High Standards Protect and What They Cost

High standards offer protection against something. Often it is shame: It arises when an ideal that someone has strived to follow remains unattained, and high standards are meant to ensure that this does not happen. The price is paid elsewhere. Because nothing starts out good enough, a lot of things get left undone. At the end of a project, you’re left feeling exhausted because a success that was a duty doesn’t feel like a success. Inside, it often sounds like this: I’m only valuable if I’m perfect. Or something like this: One mistake, and it was all for nothing.

The Story of High Standards

A standard this high has a history. Achievement was often linked to affection early on; in such cases, the standard was the condition under which that affection was secure. Other experiences also shape such a standard. Simply lowering the standard is therefore of little help as long as it remains unclear what it is meant to protect against. A more sustainable approach is to do both at the same time: understand what it was meant to safeguard, and test, in small steps, what actually happens when a less stringent standard is applied. A standard that is one’s own sustains one’s work over the years. One that is imposed costs more than it yields.

Understand and Test in Small Steps

Online psychological support can clarify what one’s own standard was once meant to safeguard and where it comes from.